Done.

I've been strong for years now. I've pushed change, I've fought through tough times, I've made hard decisions and I've given all I had to keep things together. I have handled one challenge after the next, sometimes clumsily, but always with enough guts to get through to the other side of things. Although I've made more than my fair share of mistakes, some of them horrifying in retrospect, I've always remained independent and thoroughly in control. I know that this is status quo; this is how people should be. Adults should handle their problems and not expect a gold star. I don't, really, I know that I'm not doing anything above standard but I just feel like I've been doing it for.so.long.

Tonight I feel like I'm slowly breaking down.

I need just one day where someone else handles things and I drift along amicably. I need to not be in charge, I need to be passive and allow another person to take care of me. I have mustered every last ounce of energy I have to work on my apartment and I still feel like I haven't made a dent in the packing that I need to do. I keep looking around at the reminders that I'm moving on, alone, to new things. This is exciting, of course, and yes, breaking up was the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean that the logistics are something I'm prepared for. I am not the kind of person that asks for, solicits or accepts help graciously. I fight it like a feral child being put into a bath for the first time. I don't like being vulnerable or admitting that I can't do something alone. I hate feeling weak. Even more so, I hate feeling dependent on someone else.

Here is what I want:
I don't want to push. I don't want to reach out. I want to be coddled and fussed over. I want to give up the control I forcibly maintain in my everyday life. I want to be weak, I want to be limp and I want to be held until I fall asleep with my mind clear of responsibilities. I don't want this for long, just a couple of days maybe, just a small vacation where I don't have to square my shoulders, grapple with life and come out somehow on top. I want to feel taken care of, my spine supple, my neck slack, my fingers limber, tension just a memory.

In the last fourteen months I have moved three times, endured a break up of my long term relationship, dealt with my life post-surgery, lost 70 pounds, fractured three bones in my foot, had my first major car accident, started a new job, made a whole new set of friends, supported myself and another person, rented out my apartment, spent my first set of holidays without my family, survived H1N1 and learned my way around a whole new part of the state. Yes, I instigated most of these. Yes, they are pretty normal in the scope of life....just not usually all so aggressively paced. I am going to be okay. I know that. I am always okay. I just need a little rest, a little time to unwind, a little time to melt into the surroundings.

Getting all of this out helps a little. I try not to complain too often, as there are so many worse things I could be dealing with, but every now and then it helps to acknowledge that there are such things as "personal worst" and they're just as valid as empirical tragedy.

I think my whining is done. Back to packing.